Media: Radio

Sfx: Car honks.

LOST MOTORIST: Excuse me mate, what’s the best way from Dover to Calais?

HELPFUL LOCAL: Hmm. Best way is via Club Lounge. Look out for the free champagne, then up past the café – lovely drop of Costa coffee in there.

Then there’s a nice little stretch on the deck. Carry on until you come to Langan’s Brasserie. Then after that keep going until you get to the great value shopping. You’ll probably want to fill up there.

Then stop off at the kid’s zone before you get to Calais. Shouldn’t take long, you’ll be there before you know it.

FVO: If you’re going to go, go P&O. Up to 25 crossings a day.
From £25 each way. Visit P&O ferries dot com.

DUTCHMAN:  So my friend, why are they calling it a P&O minicruise? Is it a tiny, small, little boat?

ENGLISHMAN: Not likely. It’s a whopping great ship. Bars, restaurants, live entertainment, shopping…

DUTCHMAN: So it then must be called a minicruise because you don’t get to see much.

ENGLISHMAN: Don’t be silly. You can spend some time looking around Amsterdam, Rotterdam or even Bruges.

DUTCHMAN: Oh I am giving up then. So why is it called a minicruise?

P&O SPOKESWOMAN: It’s a mini £64 per person.

DUTCHMAN: Oh, I see.

P&O SPOKESWOMAN: P&O Ferries. Pack more into your break. Visit P&O Minicruise dot com.
Conditions apply.

MVO: It is an infelicitous actuality…

INTERPRETER: It is a sad fact…

MVO: ..that a specific percentage of the populace…

INTERPRETER: … that some people…

MVO: … when negotiated for pecuniary reward regarding the acquisition and disbursement of corporate capital issues…

INTERPRETER: …when buying and selling shares…

MVO: … will find it an impossible enterprise because of the requisite of an inter-linguistic consultant.

INTERPRETER: … will need to have an interpreter.

MVO: The contrary viewpoint is to make telephonic communication with Sharelink.

INTERPRETER: Or phone ShareLink.
It’s the easy and efficient 7-day a week share dealing service. Just ring 021 200 2242. It makes buying and selling shares…

MVO: … as easy as 3.1428571 to seven decimal places.

INTERPRETER: As easy as pi.

MAXIMILLIAN-ALFONSO JUNIOR: Peter?

PETER: Yes, Maximillian Alfonso Junior?

MAXIMILLIAN: I have a penchant to acquire and dispose issues of corporate capital.

PETER: You mean you’re thinking about buying and selling shares?

MAXIMILLIAN: Precisely. Of course it means I will have to navigate myself successfully through a circumbendibus meander of technorelevant data.

PETER: Max. Buying and selling shares is easy.

MAXIMILLIAN: On the contrary, buying and selling shares is a confusing imbroglio of Sisyphean proportions.

PETER: All you have to do is remember one number.

MAXIMILLIAN: What – merely imprint a solitary number on one’s consciousness?

PETER: 021 200 2242

MAXIMILLIAN: Peter, 021 200 2242 is surely not one number. Rather it is a list of integers, including nine of which are prime and (voice fades down)…

PETER: Don’t make buying and selling shares complicated.
Ring 021 200 2242.
Sharelink: the efficient 7-day-a-week dealing service.

SFX: Thundering of horses’ hooves, men shouting, distant cannon fire.
OFFICER (SHOUTING TO ADDRESS HIS MEN): Cheer up men. I know there are cannon to the right of you, cannon to the left of you, and cannon in front of you, but ours is not to reason why, ours is just to – yes Corporal?
VERY NERVOUS SOUNDING CORPORAL: Sir, the men and I aren’t scared or anything but we’ve all got to …
OFFICER: Yes?
ONE OF THE MEN SUDDENLY HAS AN INSPIRED EXCUSE: Go to the bank!
OFFICER: What, all 600 of you?
MEN: Yes sir. The bank, that’s right the bank etc, etc.
OFFICER: Well that’s not a very positive attitude. If you’d opened a TSB current account you could have used Speedlink to pay your bills, check your balance and transfer money between accounts just by picking up the phone. So no more silly excuses. Draw swords and …
Charrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrge  !!!!!!
SFX: Cavalry charging into the distance. Cannon fire.

MVO: TSB Speedlink banking by phone lets you do your bit for the Empire and sort things out at the bank.
Positive thinking TSB

WOMAN COMMENTATOR. ROMANTIC MUSIC: They should have been natural enemies. She an exiled Hungarian aristocrat. He a Partick Thistle supporter. But although she fought the wild need for the forbidden fruit of his embrace, hot dangerous desire urged her on. Now she was going to see him for perhaps the last time.

PARTICK THISTLE SUPPORTER: Well how come she has nae turned up then?

HUNGARIAN FEMME FATALE ARISTOCRAT: I’m captured by Stan’s sapphire eyes. His voice compels me to surrender. But right now I just have to go to the bank.

WOMAN COMMENTATOR: You mustn’t despair. Be positive and take out a current account at TSB and you can use Speedlink telephone banking service. Then you can pay your bills, check your balance or transfer money between your accounts just by picking up the phone…

ROMANTIC MUSIC PICKS UP AGAIN.

COMMENTATOR: … leaving you free to have a hopelessly doomed romantic love affair and to sort out things at the bank.

MVO: TSB Speedlink banking by phone. Positive Thinking TSB.

EXCITABLE COMMENTATOR. DRAMATIC MUSIC: Planet Earth was defenseless against the Alpha Centurai death ship. Its vapour destucto-beams threatened to annihilate the world. Only Superhero could save mankind now.

SILENCE

COMMENTATOR: Ahem. I said only SuperHero could save mankind now.

SUPERHERO: Humanity may need me to save them against certain destruction – but I need to go to the bank.

COMMENTATOR: Come on Superhero, be positive and take out a current account at TSB and you can use Speedlink telephone banking service. Then you can pay your bills, check your balance or transfer money between your accounts just by picking up the phone…

DRAMATIC MUSIC PICKS UP AGAIN

COMMENTATOR: …leaving you free to save the world against alien space armadas and to sort out things at the bank.

MVO:  TSB Speedlink banking by phone. Positive Thinking TSB.

SFX: Screams, shouts, people running, explosions and general pandemonium.

JEREMY: What’s going on?
PANIC STRICKEN MAN: Run away, run away! It’s the deadly poisonous indestructible purple man-eating blob from outer space! It’s killing everybody!
JEREMY: But that’s terrible, I have to go to the bank.
JEREMY’S GIRLFRIEND: Oh Jeremy, can’t it wait?
JEREMY: No, I must sort out my account.
JEREMY’S GIRLFRIEND: Please Jeremy. Before you go there’s something I have to say to you.
JEREMY (RUNNING OFF): Later darling… wish me lu- Aaaaaaagh!!

GORY SFX OF JEREMY BEING DEVOURED BY THE PURPLE BLOB

JEREMY’S GIRLFRIEND (VERY DISTRAUGHT): Oh no, I never had the chance to tell him that… (BREAKS DOWN AND STARTS SOBBING) if he’d opened a TSB current he could have used Speedlink to pay bills, check the balance or transfer money between accounts just by picking up the phone.

He’s gone in vain.

MVO:  TSB Speedlink banking by phone means you don’t have to risk your life escaping from man-eating space creatures to sort things out at the bank.
Positive thinking TSB